The bounce back is slow at the moment as I mentioned on the podcast this week…
At the start of the year I was slowly getting my shit back together. I was making plans again. Returning to study. Running every morning. Getting present with my kids and having fun in my relationship.
But then on my big baby’s birthday weekend… we went into a five day lockdown.
It was short and (nonsensical as it may seem) I think it really knocked me off centre. I hadn’t allowed myself into the really dark place until that happened. And I went into a full blown trauma response.
Try as I might to deny it and push on forward- I’m truthfully just not over it yet.
In fact, I haven’t been so low, so unsure, so numb in a long time.
This current version of me… the version that a year of struggle and isolation and trying to make the best of things created… the version that is miserable and pissed off that this was the year in which she brought her last baby into the world and couldn’t do things the way she wanted to… that version? I don’t really know her.
In fact, where I would normally relish in the challenge and opportunity for growth- I don’t really WANT to know her.
She’s cranky and sad. She has imposter syndrome and abandonment issues. She certainly doesn’t want to get up before the sun and go for a run every day, actually she finds the idea kind of scary. She yells at her kids way more than I would. She chucks study out the window and doesn’t know what she wants to do with life. She’s broke and agitated and hopeless.
She feels like someone other than me. And yet every day I feel like I wake up in the morning, plaster on a smile as best I can and walk around in her shoes.
I do sense this is going to get better, it has to- I’ve got important people to get better for. So, if you’re like me and you’re angry, angrier than you have maybe ever been and you’ve lost yourself a bit… I think we have to know just how brutal this shit is, that we will rise from the ashes in due course.
Still, I don’t know about you but I could use a break. And I’m pretty fucking sick of being in these damn ashes anyway.