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Figuring out what’s next.

The only thing I ever wanted to be, the thing I’ve put the most time, effort and thought into for the last 30 odd years, the only thing I built my life in definitive pursuit of is motherhood.

And as a calling it has so far been wonderful, difficult, painful and uplifting. It has meant meeting and raising the best humans I know. It has meant full time hours plus plus, deep spiritual, emotional and physical work and an empty bank account.

Of course I will keep being mother. I will keep evolving as mother and holding that role above all else.
But despite how completely ridiculous this is… motherhood is not a career. And it doesn’t pay bills or provide a nice fat savings account to pay for a roof over your kid’s head.
And, in fact, despite all my internal crises on the topic, I am more than mother as well.

So where to now?

What do I really want to do?
I never knew how heavy a question that really is.

How much success can I procure as a writer? Or as a women’s or birth worker? Am I actually suited to being a psychologist? Or a counsellor? Or a lawyer (of all things)? Is it back to a permanent teaching job for me (I am good at it and do love working with children after all)? How much more study and work can I actually take on while still being able to be the mum I want to be to my kids as well as to the little person inside my heart who has a serious story to heal.

Is turning away from pushing myself the failure and potential regret that I perceive it to be? Or… in forging my own path will I ultimately be bigger than I know I can be?

So many words, questions, labels and I’m still not sure. Round and round in my head it all swirls but doesn’t seem to move me closer to anything other than exhaustion.

Perhaps I just really need a bath, a nap and to press reset on the whole damn thing. Go back to enjoying my babies while I just wait for the next big reveal. ♥️

What’s next- will come.